it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Randomize
