Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
