I'm lost and stupid without you.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
