woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
we should paint friendship bongs
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