Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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