is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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