You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
