Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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