You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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