so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
