don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
