whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Send help, water and tortillas.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
