It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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