i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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