News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
