So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
