I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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