Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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