she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
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