umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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