the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
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