All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
