Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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