I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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