I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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