Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Randomize
