Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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