I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
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