I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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