He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
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