i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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