1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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