on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
