im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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