Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I'm determined to sit on that face.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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