I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
