I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
