I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
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