Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
