The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
