What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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