the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
