hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
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