Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
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