please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
