I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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