bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
