my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
