Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
