My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
