It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
